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Starting
Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus
The Divine
Inspiration and guidance that you provide for your flock is important.
But what about keeping the evil influences of the Devil away from their
impressionable minds? How can you be sure that you are guarding them sufficiently
from the Great Satan Himself?
The answer
is in The Compound.
Every cult
should, as soon as possible, establish a special place where its members
can sleep, work, and pray together. This special place should be separate
from the outside world, away from the Moral Decrepitude that infuses the
very soul of modern culture.
Every compound
will be different, of course, depending on the level of security you need
to keep your children safe from society, or worse, government agents.
When just starting out a rented townhouse in the city is probably sufficient.
As your cult grows, expands and attracts more attention you will have
to look at other options.
Renovating:
The first step may be to renovate an existing apartment or townhouse to
accommodate bunk beds, large meeting areas, and enhanced security. A simple
bar across the door and plywood over the windows is probably enough to
start. Plywood over the windows is good for two reasons: it keeps people
from peeping in, and keeps the compound reliant on the ethereal light
supplied by your divinely-inspired wisdom.
A
house in the country:
The next step up is to purchase a property in the country. Obviously this
will depend on your membership reaching enough critical mass that you
can afford not only the mortgage, but also the vans to transport your
initiates to 'work' and back every day. You can't sell too many pencils
if you have to walk 12 miles to the nearest neighbour. In fact, the fewer
neighbours the better. You need the space for proper outdoor prayer assemblies,
community garden, and a rifle range. If your Vision from the Almighty
inclines you this way, there's also an opportunity to create a New Jerusalem
of Perfect Unity Between Men as everyone lovingly contributes under your
inspired direction to create the Utopia on Earth for which You are the
Messenger.
Walls
and fences:
The problem with creating Heaven on Earth is that some people, notably
government agents, start getting jealous. The devil keeps himself busy
through these busy-bodies nosing around questioning whether or not you've
paid taxes and other nonsense. As if you should be bothered with filthy
lucre! However, you will be bothered by them, and other curious bystanders.
Tall fences
topped with concertina wire are a good deterrent for the occasional snooper,
but I would recommend setting some recruits on building several walls
of stone and rubble with a deep ditch on either side--a moat would be
ideal. Top the walls with coiled razor wire and establish outposts every
50 metres. Modern electronic surveillance equipment means you don't have
to pull members away from important prayers or other functions, like rifle
training, or explosives-making (for when armageddon comes). Properly-built
fortifications will enable you to have a proper stand-off if Caesar feels
like taking on the Kingdom of God.
Of course,
when God calls you and your flock home, the biggest strongest castle in
the world will be as a grain of sand in the wind. But until that day,
you will want to make sure your people are safely housed, away from the
corruption of this vale of tears.
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