Starting Your Own Cult, With Dr. Emeril Lazarus

Despite your best-laid plans and your pure intentions, sooner or later someone in your "organization" is going to make a mistake. Perhaps one of your Devotees will lash out at one of the Uncommitted for not buying their (your) flower or pencil, perhaps the government will question your tax-free status, or perhaps you'll pick the silver Rolls instead of a more discrete and classy gray. Whatever the error, you now find yourself facing uncomfortable questions and bad feelings.

Act quickly! Without action your Divine Inspiration will soon be held up to ridicule as a sham and the Belief and Hope you've so carefully sown and nurtured in your followers will evaporate like a puddle of dog urine on a concrete floor, leaving a smelly salt to be blown away on the next wind.

There are many ways to deal with these problems, but the safest, quickest, and most effective way--shown time after time--is to find a scapegoat. Properly chosen and exposed as someone who has Fallen into the Clutches of the Evil One, your scapegoat will absorb the blame for just about every error or transgression you can think of.

A scapegoat isn't just about blaming someone, though. Think of the scapegoat as a heaven-sent opportunity to further His Will in this vale of tears. So, before looking for a scapegoat examine the situation.

Remember that you have two publics. There's the outer world of Heathen and Unbelievers--but also potential recruits--and then there's your own group of True Believers. In an ideal situation you'll be able to please both groups. For example, suppose one of your people, a fund-raiser, hits a customer after being mercilessly taunted for her prescribed partially-shaved head and purple robe. A lesser cult leader might be tempted to forgive her, or send her to the kitchens where she won't meet the public.

I recommend you to be bold! In front of your entire cult denounce her as the Instrument of Satan, or better yet, have her denounce herself. Strip her of her status as a Member of the Knowers of the True Way, and kick her crying and pleading for mercy out of the compound. Instruct your now-frightened flock that even touching the Unclean Hordes that surround your Gates of the New Jerusalem (the compound) can lead to impurities of the mind and body. Hold the now untouchable former member as an example of one who fell into Temptation. Thus, your flock is reinvigorated in its zeal for Clean Thoughts and Deeds.

So much for your public of True Believers. Now, for the outer world of the Heathen, quickly send a press release to the appropriate media explaining that you've removed the violent person. Your cult, er, organization, you'll explain, abhors violence. Although you accept everyone searching for Enlightenment and Personal Growth you don't have the facilities to treat disturbed people as much as you'd like to. The incident was regrettable, and will never happen again. You guarantee it. This statement will not only appease those outsiders who might be inclined to support police action against you, but will also give you an opportunity to explain your beliefs and Divine Mission once again to a wide audience--leading, perhaps, to new recruits.